Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
