I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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