Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
