The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
