he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
