Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
