i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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