It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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