I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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