i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
