I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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