You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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