The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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