She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
