she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
