If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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