Umm I'm too high to move.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
