8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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