what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
