I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
