i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace†station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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