the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
soo... how was my night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
