I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He felt like a one man threesome
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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