I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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