I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
