either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
