It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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