the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
