I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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