My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
