remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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