So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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