Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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