that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.