My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
