I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
