so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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