So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
