Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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