It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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