I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
