He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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