Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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