At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
