Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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