I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
