hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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