my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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