I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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