I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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