he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
