so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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