hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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