He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
